Bar-Loose
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BAR-LOOSE SWINGERS CLUB | CONTACTS | PICTURES | ON PREMISE PARTIES
ALWAYS FREE | ALWAYS INTERRACIAL | WEBPAGES & PROFILES
PRIVATE HOUSE | HOTELS/MOTELS | CLUBS | OUTDOORS PARTIES
and GET TOGETHERS are always FREE, always INTERRACIAL,
Couples, Single Females, Single males, BBWs, BI-Women,
BI Men, Squirters/Vaginal Ejaculators, TVs-TSs-TGs and SHE-MALES
are always Welcummm!
Bar-Loose - Yahoo! Group
Swinging Lifestyle Resources,
- BAR-LOOSE >>> SWINGING: A PRACTICAL GUIDE
Includes various topics of interest.
-Creating an Inviting Space for Your Lover(s),
-Choosing What Pleases You,
-Empathy,
-Stimulating the G-Spot or Prostate Gland,
-Expanding Your Definition of Sex,
-Multiple Orgasms,
-"Tantric" Sex,
-Exploring BDSM, (Bondage / Discipline - Sadism / Masochism)
-Fisting,
-Bisexuality,
-Polyamory,
-Visiting Sex Clubs and Attending Sex Parties,
-Other topics.
This section provides women (and men) with a wealth of information which is geared to enhance their sexual experience, to gain an edge by maintaining control, safety and to obtain expert advise and information. Knowing what to do, how to do it, avoiding problems, mistakes and pitfalls is key to slutty women who are normally seeking extreme erotic fun and unlimited sexual excitement as a way of life, a wild time on weekends or a few times a year. Click " NEW USER? SIGN-UP" at the top of the NEW page to enter the site if you are not a member of YAHOO! groups. Warning: Adult Language
1. Organizations
2. History
3. Research into Swinging Lifestyles
4. Etiquette
5 Subgroups
5.1 Urban Swingers
5.2 Bisexuals
5.3 Polyamory
5.4 Hot Wife
5.5 Singles
5.6 Dogging
6. The lifestyle in film and entertainment
7. Objections to the Swinger Lifestyle
7.1 Practical objections
7.2 Moral/Philosophical objections
8. Common Responses to Objections from the Swinger Community
8.1 Responses to practical objections
8.2 Responses to Moral/Philosophical objections
9.See also,
9.1 External links
9.2 Academic papers
- TRANSSEXUAL | TRANSGENDER | TRANSVESTITE | CROSSDRESSING | Explained
- TRANSGENDER ROAD MAP
- VAGINOPLASTY: Sex Reassignment Surgery
- WIKIPEDIA: Sex Reassignment Surgery
- BDSM: A Perspective
- BDSM: Watersports
- Swinging Lifestyle and Terms
- Extensive List of Fetishes
- Infantilism
- Enemas and other fetishes
- Peek Inside a Sex Club - Text Description
- Paganism Revealed: Information and Pagan Festivals provide a glimpse of Paganism.
- SUGGESTED AND APPROPRIATE ATTIRE FOR A SWINGERS PARTY
(We are not in any way connected to this site, but we've found this appropriate attire at very resonable prices)
SWINGING: A PRACTICAL GUIDE. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "SWINGERS WANNABE's", "NEWBIES", "EXPERIENCED SWINGERS" and "SEASONED SWINGERS?"~Writer and wife have over 17 years of experience in the Swinging Lifestyle and married for over 27 years ~ This article is copyright Bar-Loose.com© 2007. All rights reserved.~This writing is intended for newbies and couples with a desire to become lifestylers, and for singles and others who wish to have a better understanding of the Swinging Lifestyle; Experienced and Seasoned Swingers are advised to apply their own experiences and to continue doing what works for them in every situation and/or to adopt recommendations made here as desired.
A. OVERVIEW
B. STATISTICS
C. MISCONCEPTIONS AND MISINFORMATION
D. DECISIONS and CHOICES
I. NEWBIES IN ACTION (The Basics)
i. Jealousy.
ii. Monogamy
iii. Infidelity
iv. Promiscuity
v. LOVE Vs. SEX
vi. Trust
vii. Improved Communication
viii. Mutual Respect
ix. Emotional Reciprocity
x. WARNING - click here.
xi. Learning Cycle
II. BECOMING SWINGERS (First State of Swinging)
i. Development
ii. Understanding The Rules
iii. Respecting The Rules
iv. Protecting
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III. EXPERIENCED SWINGERS (Second Stage of Swinging)
i. Sexual Enhancement
ii. Respecting Limits
iii. Mutual Satisfaction
IV. SEASONED SWINGERS (Third Stage of Swinging)
i. Pushing The Envelope
ii. Fulfillment
V. SINGLES: FEMALES & MALES
A. OVERVIEW
WANNABE's", "NEWBIES", "EXPERIENCED SWINGERS" and "SEASONED SWINGERS?"
Indeed, this is a very large and complex question; not easily answered. Unless we are able to answer a whole lot of other questions we'll never know what "Swinging" is all about. The wide spread idea that "SWINGERS" are wife/husband "Swappers" is the most common believe and the easiest way to answer the question without getting into a lot of intricate details. In reality, "Swapping" is not the same thing as "SWINGING". "Swapping" is too simplistic a term which doesn't begin to define the "SWINGERS" culture, or sub-culture, if you are more comfortable with the latter. If you are thinking about entering the swinging lifestyle, this is quite possibly the most comprehensive guide you'll ever find.
A brief historical account, (how the phrase "wife swapping" came about)
[As far as anyone knows, swinging (as this community exists today, in the United States) had its roots amongst an elite group of U.S. Air Force fighter pilots during World War II. These men were wealthy enough to move their wives close to base, and the fact that their fatality rate was the highest of any branch of service led to an unusual social milieu in which non-monogamy between these pilots' wives and other pilots became acceptable. These arrangements persisted near Air Force bases throughout World War II and into the Korean War.Before we get into a more detailed discussion of the Swinging Lifestyle, I should dispel some myths and misconceptions. Swinging is not for marriages or unions already in trouble, "on the rocks" or marked by profound problems involving incompatibility, disagreements, etc.; it will not "fix" any number of problems within the marriage and/or relationship. Swinging is not recommended as a "problem solver" in any situation.
By the time the Korean War ended, these groups had spread from the bases to the nearby suburbs. The media picked up on them in 1957 and promptly dubbed the phenomenon "wife-swapping" Although the media didn't treat this new phenomenon respectfully, the public's response made it clear that they wanted to hear more. By 1960, there were over 20 widely-available magazines which carried "swinger" ads. These magazines provided a medium through which the first swinger parties could advertise themselves, and the first permanent clubs began appearing in the late 1960's]
Swinging, however, will contribute to more problems when a couple engages in the lifestyle for the wrong reasons without adequate knowledge of what "swinging" represents and what it's all about, without a full agreement on boundaries (limitations) and without having an intimate knowledge of your partner's sexuality, likes and dislikes. Swinging requires extensive and open communication between partners.
Swinging is supposed to enhance an already good and/or excellent relationship under the right circumstances, Throughout 17 years in the lifestyle having met with thousands of swingers, (we operate Bar-Loose Swingers Club since 1995 with over 47,000 members) I'm not aware of any marriages or relationships that were detrimentally affected and/or destroyed by the Swinging Lifestyle, however, I'm aware of many broken relationships due to other problems outside of the Swinging Lifestyle.
From the book "The Repression of Swingers in Early 21st Century Britain" by Mark Roberts
"Swinging marriages probably represent the least revolutionary of the alternative lifestyles. Generally, swingers challenge traditional beliefs only in the area of sexual monogamy. Relationships (emotional involvement) outside the marriage are regarded as threats to the marriage rather than potentials for personal growth. Swinging may be a preservative rather than a catalyst for change in the basic structure of the family in our society. Swinging supports rather than disrupts monogamous marriage as it currently exists in our society."
Sexuality is as personal and unique to each individual as fingerprints or DNA. If your spouse/partner enjoys your sexuality as much as you enjoy hers/his to the extent that your combined libidos expand your sexual horizons, excitement, exhilaration, pleasures and imparts a sense of uninhibited adventure, providing that other aspects of the relationship are working harmoniously (including love) and you are both in good health, you could say that you've found a relationship that should last a lifetime with the necessary strength to overcome adversity. No other standard of measure could possibly surpass your luck and good fortune.
B. STATISTICS
Let's examine the latest available statistics of the Swinging Lifestyle from the October, 2000 research study conducted by Dr. Curtis Bergstrand and Jennifer Blevins Williams, both of Bellarmine University in Louisville, KY,
Definition of "Swinging"
Swingers are people, generally couples, who are in emotionally monogamous, sexually emancipated relationships. They are loving couples with strong, secure family bonds who have removed sexual repression (usually along with intellectual, physical, and other historic control mechanisms) from their relationship. Swinging couples engage in a variety of sexual activities with other people, which they find helps maintain and strengthen their primary relationship.
What it is not:
“Wife-swapping” is a sexist, androcentric term (centered on, emphasizing, or dominated by males or masculine interests) that implies inequality and control. Swingers realize that, aside from any physical or psychological problems, women and men have equally strong sex drives. As such, swinger couples mutually agree to shed their inhibitions and allow each other to experience physical and psychological pleasures according to their unique personal needs.
Statistics on Swingers
Given the private nature of sexual activity, it is difficult to get exact data on the swinging lifestyle. Most of the statistics cited here are from the October, 2000 research study conducted by Dr. Curtis Bergstrand and Jennifer Blevins Williams, both of Bellarmine University in Louisville, KY. It’s not as up to date as we’d like, and without question the swinging lifestyle has grown exponentially over the last decades, but the data is the best and most recent we could find.
Marital Information (swingers):
- Status: 89.4% are couples or in a committed relationship
- Number of Times Married: 1.5 (average)
- Length of Marriage: 10.5 years (average years of marriage)
- Years involved in swinging: 5 (average years in the swinging lifestyle)
Happiness: 78.5% are “very happy” in their marriage, compared to 64.0% of the general population
Happiness Before/After Starting Swinging Lifestyle:
Before and Now:
- Unhappy before; 90.4% happier now
- Somewhat unhappy before; 81.1% happier now
- Somewhat Happy before: 69.6% happier now
- Very Happy before; 49.7% happier now
Age:
- Females – avg age when started swinging: 31.4 (age average)
- Males – avg age when started swinging: 35.2 (age average)
Education: 14.1 years
Politics: distributed equally across all parties (Democrat 31.7%, Republican 27.7%, Independent 27.0%, Other 13.6%)
Religious: 72.1% have membership in a Church, Synagogue, Mosque, or Temple (compared to 61% of general population)
Life View: 75.9% say “life is exciting!”, compared to 45.7% of the general population
Market Size:
It is estimated there are over 50 million people active in the swinging lifestyle. Swinger dating sites on the internet, have over 40 million members with more that 20,000 new members each day. Kasidie.com, the largest social network for swingers, does not reveal statistics but confirms that these numbers are but a fraction of the global population of swingers. Here you'll find the "Q & A" Section from Kasidie.com.
C. MISCONCEPTIONS | MISINFORMATION
Various Internet sites show stories from people claiming that "swinging" either destroyed their marriage or relationship, but these stories invariably include partners who do not appear to be swingers or they never had any intention of learning about the "lifestyle". They called it "swinging" when in reality they tried to manipulate their mates into an "open marriage" or "having affairs" with the knowledge of their spouses or mates.
Another instance exposed a husband's desire to engage other women and he found a way to fulfill his wishes when the husband discovered his wife's bisexuality, the couple then engaged in threesomes involving other women, except that he would only allow women that he liked and enjoyed into the relationship; women that enjoyed sex with the wife only were systematically excluded. This type of arrangement or "manipulation" could be called anything, but "swinging".
The wife finally opted for ending the threesome arrangement and their marriage/relationship ended in divorce. What makes it even worse is that the "counselor" answering the letters/stories and providing advise knows even less about "swinging" thus creating more confusion and projecting misleading information.
What follows is an excerpt from "Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara" on the topic of "Swinging" (http://www.wayneandtamara.com/topicswing.htm) From this account it is obvious that neither Wayne, nor Tamara have any knowledge of the Swinging Lifestyle, let alone providing "advise" on this topic.
Wayne misses the point completely. For starters, he makes erroneous assumptions and assertions without a deeper knowledge of the situation and then fails to realize that many women start conversations with their mates about "swinging"; that women in the lifestyle have a lot to say about how the swinging progresses and to what extent. It's not always the male who starts flirting with the idea of "swinging"."No Girl’s Dream
I’ll go out on a limb here and see what you have to say. Nothing ventured, nothing lost. My girlfriend and I have been dating for eight years. We share many interests, such as camping, scuba diving, traveling, and just being together.
Although outwardly we are a couple, lately we seem to be drifting apart. We have, in the past, experimented with the swinging lifestyle. From my point of view it was freeing and fun, but at no time did I lose sight of who I was with and why we were there. It came to a sudden end when her insecurities and jealousies surfaced, much to my chagrin.
Here’s the problem. Our sex life has gone downhill over the last 8-10 months. My girlfriend has subtly accused me of affairs with other women. She feels I have no sexual desire for her, and at this point in her life, seems to see things that aren’t there and feel things without merit.
I am still very much in love with her, but lately it has been impossible to look past her shortcomings. The last week we have been in a quiet period and not talking. What friendly words of advice can you give me, or us, to work through the turmoil? Is this something we should be taking to a counselor?"
Ralph
RESPONSE:
"Ralph, Tamara and I didn’t have to teach our golden retriever to fetch, or our Samoyed to den-up before a storm. Similarly, you don’t need to teach a terrier to dig or a rottweiler to herd. It’s in their nature to do so.
It is not surprising your girlfriend felt insecure and jealous while you had sex with other women. It is perfectly natural. It is not in a woman’s nature to desire that lifestyle. Some women go along with it to keep a man, or because of emotional problems, but it is contrary to their nature.
You talk about her shortcomings. Is that a way not to examine your own? For eight years you were together, and the relationship never progressed. You added third parties to spice things up. Your shortcoming was failing to admit you felt she wasn’t enough for you.
You two may share some nice memories and common interests, but the relationship failed. Love was replaced with sex and experimentation. Your girlfriend’s jealousy and accusations are the result of what you did to satisfy yourself. That’s the bottom line. That is what you are not admitting.
You can face it tonight or face it tomorrow, but face it you will. She is on the verge of realizing she tried to get it all from someone who can’t give it all to her.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of August 14, 2000)"
Generalizations, such as It is not surprising your girlfriend felt insecure and jealous while you had sex with other women. It is perfectly natural. It is not in a woman’s nature to desire that lifestyle. and misguided assertions like, Some women go along with it to keep a man, or because of emotional problems, but it is contrary to their nature. are misleading, and providing gross misinformation to a couple already troubled won't help their situation in any way.
This situation requires a deeper analysis than the one provided by Wayne. In Wayne's uninformative response to a complex problem he advises Ralph, in essence, "to stop being selfish" which essentially means that Ralph should go back to the relationship Ralph and his girlfriend had prior to the "sex experimentation" with the added problem of the "Jealousy (lack of trust)" now a prevalent issue, or suggesting that the relationship failed.
Wayne continues by saying For eight years you were together, and the relationship never progressed. Wayne seems to indicate a lack of commitment by Ralph. (an eight year relationship indicates commitment at some level) At any rate, Ralph is not providing enough information for Wayne's assertions.
No real solutions to their problems. It would take a more comprehensive dissertation on my part in order to provide Ralph with a more substantive answer which is not the purpose of this article.
Suffice it to say that, I don't know what prompted Ralph and his girlfriend to experiment with the "lifestyle" perhaps without any knowledge, research, necessary communication or doing a profound self-searching exercise before venturing into swinging. Also, Wayne appears to indicate that women swingers' engage the lifestyle due to emotional problems.
Since Wayne and Tamara do not appear to have any swingers' lifestyle experience, I ask myself, "Where did Wayne get this misleading generalization?" Or, could it be that Wayne has his own unfounded opinions to express about the lifestyle and came up with an imaginary situation and a fictional character called "Ralph"? We'll never know. This is just one example of the many instances over the Internet and printed media where improper and deceiving misinformation is disseminated to the public.
D. DECISIONS and CHOICES
Any marriage or relationship where both parties have already decided,
- that their love life is not what it "used" to be,
- that they are bored with, and of each other,
- that they have slowly, but surely drifted apart,
- that they just need to stay together to raise kids,
- that the amount of their debt is so huge that they couldn't possibly afford to survive a divorce mainly because there is no equity left of their assets, or
- that the love's gone out of the relationship,
If any of the above sounds like your current situation you should seek professional counseling if you truly feel that there is any chance of staying together, or want to try saving your relationship.
Otherwise, you could easily take the easy way out and decide on an "open marriage" where each party go out separately and sexually engage whoever they desire; many couples do just that rather than confronting a dire situation. Other couples start thinking about "Swinging" without really knowing what "Swinging" is all about. In either case, sooner or later, they find themselves deeply depressed, without a loving relationship, leading a life with no meaning and facing other newly developed emotional problems.
Before you decide about a SWINGING lifestyle, you need to answer YES or NO to the following statements.
- You have a desire to develop a sexual relationship with others outside of your marriage.
- You just have to go out and do things behind your spouse's/mate's back
- You are bored with your spouse/mate
- Your relationship with your spouse/mate depresses you
- In your view, your spouse/mate has lost her/his attractiveness
- You have lost that "in love" feeling with your spouse/mate
- Your consider your spouse/mate an unlikely best friend
- You have secrets that your spouse/mate knows nothing about. (I'm not talking about a $50.00 bill stashed away in your shoe)
At this point, I should tell you that each spouse/mate may or may not develop into the swinging lifestyle at the same rate. Some spouses are able to grasp the concepts and ideas faster than others. If you feel that revealing a secret may jeopardize your relationship, hold your peace forever, or until such time when you feel its safe to come out clean. - You have a poor verbal communication with your spouse/mate
- You consider trying to have sex with your spouse/mate a waste of time.
We could go on and on with reasons that point to a marriage in trouble. A "YES" answer to any of the above statements and you'd do better as a cheater, better to apply the open marriage solution to your problems or at best, you are a good candidate for divorce rather than a SWINGER. Under the above circumstances, you may consider yourself a SWINGER WANNABE, but you won't get too far. Going to a couple of swingers' parties won't make you a NEWBIE and going to 20 swingers' parties or more won't make you an EXPERIENCED SWINGER.
Now, ask your spouse to answer YES or NO to the above statements. If you and your spouse answered YES to any (or just one) of the above statements you two should be heading out to a marriage counselor. Do not get into Swinging. Swinging will only make matters a lot worse for you. None of the above are good reasons to enter a Swinging Lifestyle and you'll never be able to reap the benefits of a Swingers' lifestyle unless you are able to clear your problems out of the way first.
If, on the other hand, you have already worked out your marital/relationship problems or you have a good relationship from the beginning, then ask yourself and your spouse to answer YES or NO to the following statements.
- You have a desire to have a sexual relationship with your spouse/mate and then perhaps engage others as an outlet to spice up an already great relationship.
- You do everything together (the good, the bad and the ugly) with your spouse/mate and you are both on the same page.
- You feel entertained and in good spirits with your spouse/mate and the two of you can spend hours together having a good time and never bored with each other
- Your relationship with your spouse/mate enhances your life
- Your spouse/mate looks to you as attractive or better than the first day you both met.
- You are unquestionably "in love" with your spouse/mate
- Your consider your spouse your best friend
- You have no secrets with your spouse/mate
At this point, I should tell you that each spouse/mate may or may not develop into the swinging lifestyle at the same rate. Some spouses are able to grasp the concepts and ideas faster than others. If you feel that revealing a secret may jeopardize your relationship, hold your peace forever, or until such time when you feel its safe to come out clean. - You have a healthy and active verbal communication with your spouse/mate
- You consider having sex with your spouse/mate the ultimate aphrodisiac.
If you and your spouse/mate answered YES to all of the above. You are then excellent candidates to enter the Swinging Lifestyle (but, only after you've had a deep discussion and communication with your spouse/mate about your likes, dislikes, expectations and desires. But, not so fast, there are still some hurdles that you must overcome,
I. NEWBIES IN ACTION (The Basics)
i. JEALOUSY. What? Some would say...., Two people in love, they like each other; they are physically, emotionally and sexually attracted to each other. They claim that they are committed and hopelessly attached to each other and yet..., -How could they possibly claim that they can have sex with other people without any second thoughts or without inflicting emotional and psychological harm to their loving spouses/mates? Inconceivable! they might say!
This is the crucial threshold where swingers part company from conventional wisdom and other peoples' sense of morality. Swingers understand and agree to a credo that SEX and LOVE are two different animals altogether, and that the physical Sex has nothing to do with the emotional aspects of Love. One is purely physiological (sex) while the other is profoundly emotional (love).
People are born, grow to maturity, get older and confront death; most go through life without ever knowing or realizing their full human potential in sexual terms, yet sexuality is the most powerful of all human emotions; sexual drive and a strong need for physiological fulfillment often suppressed by misconceived, misguided traditions and misunderstood by a warped sense of morality often wrongly intertwined and mingled into society's abnormal rules of what constitutes right and wrong. I say "abnormal" because there is nothing more "normal" than human sexuality, or animal sexuality for that matter. I consider anything that inhibits expressions and manifestations of human sexuality abnormal.
Suppressed sexual behavior and sexual release by any concept or means is simply totally unhealthy and unrealistic. Sexuality is a fact of nature.
ii. MONOGAMY. Let's talk about "monogamy" briefly. [The word monogamy comes from the Greek word "monos", which means one or alone, and the Greek word "gamos", which means marriage or union. In many cases, the word "monogamy" is used to specifically refer to marital monogamy]
When most people talk about "monogamy" they are thinking about marriage and sexual commitment, not "love" Monogamy is the custom or condition of having a relationship that remains exclusive in "some way". Married couples can have a monogamous relationship when they are committed to each other in love (Emotional monogamy), but not to other aspects of their lives, like money as an example. Most people have a partially monogamous relationship. When a couple has separate bank accounts their are not totally monogamous. Monogamy is relative to many aspects of a relationship.
From an anthropological viewpoint, (according to, The United Nations World Fertility Report of 2003, latest available)
A monogamous marriage can be classified by specific, but different aspects of the relationship including "Psychological Monogamy"
- Emotional (Love) monogamy refers to marriages committed to each other in a loving relationship.
- Genetic monogamy refers to two partners that only have offspring with one another. In general terms, the swinging lifestyle of most married people with offspring normally comply with this aspect of a monogamous relationship.
- Marital monogamy refers to marriages of only two people.
- Psychological monogamy when infidelity is not part of the equation as in most cases of the "swinging lifestyle".
- Serial monogamy often means having a different, but exclusive partner. Also, generally, not having one sexual partner for life can be considered serially monogamous, including those who find a second mate. Serial monogamy also applies to divorced individuals, in other words, anyone who has divorced one or more partners, but remains totally committed in love and sexual intimacy to each marriage.
- Social monogamy refers to two people who live together, have sex with one another, and cooperate in acquiring basic resources such as food, clothes, and money.
- Sexual monogamy refers to two people who remain sexually exclusive with one another and have no outside sex partners, only upon the death of the first.
- Straight - Heterosexual | Homosexuals (Gays and Lesbians) | Bisexuality | are "Sexual Orientation" not "Fetishes"
- Transsexuals (hormone changes, breasts, etc | Transgender (sex change males or females) | She-Males | are "Sexual orientation" not "Fetishes"
- Sexual partners such as, Black men/women, Caucasian men/women, Any other ethnic | racial | origin | background | Little people | person with disabilities | are "Sexual Preferences" not "Fetishes"
- You must be of legal adult age - 18 or over (21 recommended by us) in the USA (no explanation necessary)
- Be polite and respectful of others at all times (no explanation necessary)
- Respect others' limits. Don't be Pushy. Promote easy going and relaxed atmosphere. (Swingers have limits for themselves. Some limits may include, safe sex only, no anal penetration, etc. find out what the limits are before you engage another person in any sexual situation)
- No drugs. (no explanation necessary)
- NO means NO, "not maybe" (do as much, or as little as you'd want, and feel free to say "NO") When you go to a swingers party or event you'll find that people engage who they want and with whom they feel comfortable. Its entirely possible that one night at a swingers event may not bring any action for you, simply because others, (men or women) for whatever reason, do not wish to engage you sexually. Do not take it personally if this happens to you. It happens simply because you are new within the group and they don't know you.
- Constantly reaffirms the desirability of each partner.
- Contributes to a happier, more balanced and fulfilled person.
- Couples learn a measure of mutual satisfaction, caring for each other and are more careful with their partner's feelings.
- Develops into a more intimate relationship.
- Eradicates feelings of deceit.
- Helps maintain a more loving and satisfying relationship in long term marriages.
- Helps marriages/relationships where one partner has sexual feelings, needs and desires beyond what the other partner is able to provide .
- Improved relationships at all levels.
- Increases a diversity of sexual experiences that transcends into the marriage or relationship.
- Increases self-confidence in each other.
- Increases social life.
- Learning to define preferences more clearly and learning to act on these preferences.
- Love and sex are two different animals.
- Marital sexual intimacy and satisfaction increases to unimaginable levels.
- Overcomes sexual inhibitions.
- Promotes a better understanding of each other's sexuality.
- Promotes a desire for learning techniques, the art of flirting, dressing and feeling better about yourself.
- Promotes a sense of pride for your partner or spouse.
- Promotes better communication.
- Promotes physical and psychological honesty in a relationship.
- Promotes trust.
- Tends to eliminate or better manage negative emotions out of the relationship, such as jealousy.
- Reinforces the bonds in married couples or unions.
- Releases women from bonds and double standards imposed by society and allows them to act like "men have acted throughout history with impunity (exemption from punishment, harm, or recrimination), without a shred of guilt or apprehension"
- Removes the primary cause of marital/relationship breakdown. Infidelity and/or sexual incompatibility (which leads to infidelity). 60% of marriages end in divorce in the US. Many with children.
- Swinging goes beyond the obvious. An older couple was seen at a swingers function where the wife was enjoying sexual gratification while the husband
enjoyed a deep sleep on a couch.
Upon a close, but informal, interview with the couple we found out that the wife still had strong sexual desires and feelings; the husband had undergone testicular surgery for a cancerous tumor. Knowing that sex played an important role for his wife, the husband insisted (as told by the wife and later confirmed by the husband) that she should continue her sexual activities without him in order to satisfy her physiological needs and desires, and both became swingers well into their fifties. His enjoyment of the swingers lifestyle was simply to make sure that his wife did not miss out on what he could no longer provide. - Couples attend swingers' parties together.
- Couples perform at their own discretion with others (in a group, or with a single/multiple partners) and according to preset limits within their relationship. This is the most common practice.
- Wife/female partner performs with others (in a group, or with a single/multiple partners) and according to preset limits within their relationship. Husband/male partner observes. (voyeur) This is another common practice.
- Wife/female partner performs with others (in a group, or with a single/multiple partners) and according to preset limits within their relationship. Husband/male partner remains passive and out of the activity. This is another common practice.
- Wife/female partner is allowed to enjoy extramarital encounters one-on-one with multiple partners. This is another common practice.
- Any other mutually agreed arrangement
- Husband/male partner performs with others (in a group, or with a single/multiple partners) and according to preset limits within their relationship. Wife/female partner observes (voyeur) This is common practice, but it happens with significant less frequency.
- Husband/male partner performs with others (in a group, or with a single/multiple partners) and according to preset limits within their relationship. Wife/female partner remains passive and out of the activity. This is common practice, but it happens with significant less frequency.
- Husband/male partner is allowed to enjoy extramarital encounters one-on-one with multiple partners. This is common practice, but it happens with significant less frequency.
- Would you marry a male or female "wannabe" swinger or consummate swinger (in a previous marriage) and continue the lifestyle as a swinging couple? or,
- Once married, would you as a couple not engage others for sex under any circumstances? or,
- Once married, would you be a cheater while demanding your husband or wife to remain faithful to you?
However, married couples who practice a swinging lifestyle do not comply with,
iii. INFIDELITY. Infidelity can be defined as any violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of a relationship, and it is a breach of faith in an inter-personal relationship. Sexual infidelity in marriage is sometimes called adultery, philander or an affair and in other inter-personal relationships it is sometimes called cheating.
A man whose wife has committed adultery is referred to (in colloquial terms) as a cuckold, but no equivalent word exists for a woman whose partner has cheated. Infidelity is not inherently sexual in nature, although certain acts of infidelity could be sexual. What constitutes an act of infidelity varies between and within cultures and depends also on the type of relationship that exists between people. Even within an open relationship, infidelity may arise if a partner to the relationship acts outside of the understood boundaries of the relationship.
Normally, infidelity does not occur within the swinging lifestyle for obvious reasons of pre-determined "agreements and boundaries". However, infidelity is possible when the "agreements and boundaries" are broken and/or violated by either partner.
iv. PROMISCUITY. Human promiscuity. What sexual behavior is considered socially acceptable, and what behavior is "promiscuous", varies much among different cultures. Behavior that is considered promiscuous for a married or unmarried individual in one culture may be considered acceptable in another culture. Within a culture, men and women are not necessarily held to the same standards. For example, a man may or may not be considered promiscuous for engaging in sexual activity with someone he was not married to, even in cultures where a woman would be considered promiscuous for the same behavior.
Accurately assessing people's sexual behavior is difficult, since there are strong social and personal motivations, depending on social sanctions and taboos, for either minimizing or exaggerating reported sexual activity. Extensive research has produced mathematical models of sexual behavior comparing the results generated with the observed prevalence of STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) to statistically estimate the probable sexual behavior of the studied population.
The number of sexual partners an individual has varies within a lifetime, and varies widely within a population. In the U.S., a 2007 national survey had the following results: the median number of lifetime female sexual partners reported by men was seven; the median number of male partners reported by women was four. Twenty-nine percent of men and nine percent of women reported to have had more than 15 sexual partners in their lifetimes.
Studies of the spread of STDs consistently demonstrate that a small percentage of the studied population have more partners than the average man or woman, and a smaller number of people have fewer than the statistical average. An important question in the epidemiology of venereal diseases is whether or not these groups copulate mostly at random (with sexual partners from throughout a population) or within their social groups (assortative mixing). A 2006 comprehensive global study (analyzing data from 59 countries worldwide) found no firm link between promiscuity and sexually transmitted diseases. This contradicts other studies.
Global promiscuity. A 2008 US university study of international promiscuity found that British men and women are the most promiscuous in the industrialized world. The study measured one-night stands, attitudes to casual sex, and number of sexual partners.
Researchers said Britain's position on the international index "may be linked to increasing social acceptance of promiscuity among women as well as men". Britain’s ranking was "ascribed to factors such as the decline of religious scruples about extramarital sex, the growth of equal pay and equal rights for women and a highly sexualized popular culture".
The top 10 ranking nations on the study's promiscuity index, in descending order, were the United Kingdom, Germany, the Netherlands, the Czech Republic, Australia, United States, France, Turkey, Mexico, and Canada.
v. LOVE Vs. SEX. I can't give you any tangible examples of reason as to why sex and love are two different things. So, I won't try to justify this belief, it is based on personal belief, on how you define morality. It is based on personal life experiences and on individual sexuality. Webster's Dictionary defines ~morality~ as a "conformity to ideals of right moral conduct" and it defines ~moral~ as "moral practices and teachings; modes of conduct"; it further defines ~immoral~ as "conflicting with generally or traditionally held moral principles"
"Traditionally held moral principles" are different from one individual to another's way of thinking, but no less relevant in either case. The same holds true to a "conformity to ideals of right moral conduct". What some people define as "right moral conduct" are religious dictates as opposed to other beliefs of worldly or mundane foundation, but of equal relevance.
Some people believe things that seem inconceivable to others, other people have a different sense of morality, others prefer cheating rather than openness, and yet others have different approaches to life itself. Who is right and who is wrong, nobody can say for sure, no matter how hard they try. People may use quotes from a book or books in order to justify their beliefs, but there are many books on many different subjects and book quotations are too easily thrown in and pushed into the mainstream.
Why is it, that a few years back in some countries schools tried to force left-handed children to be right-handed? They had a belief that left-handedness was abnormal until they were proven wrong. Why is it, in this day and age, that some people are trying to "fix" the minds of homosexuals when, by all professional and scientific accounts, gays and lesbians are human beings with their own sexual orientation? Why is it, that some people refuse to believe the age of the universe when there are mineralized fossils and other evidence that prove scientific claims? All of the above are controversial beliefs that produce heated arguments and separate people.
Some people ignore claims of discovery due to personal believes and beliefs of faith. Nobody can change that. Can anyone explain beliefs in a reasonable fashion? I don't think so. By the same token, most swingers share their own, admittedly, controversial believes, but sometimes less controversial than other, perhaps even more radical theories. No other explanation is necessary. Personal beliefs can't be reconciled no matter how hard you try.
This true story provides a demonstration of the reality of Love versus Sex to a substantial number of people. A couple we know (non-swingers) was having marital problems for a long time to a point where the conjugal sexual act was totally absent from their lives. Their fights and arguments became a public spectacle and my wife witnessed the gross verbal exchanges on more than one occasion. This wife then got involved into an extramarital affair with a casual male acquaintance and later developed a sexual relationship which lasted for months.
The husband noticed that his wife was no longer going back home after dropping their child off at elementary school every day. The husband found this change in her life very disturbing, especially knowing that his wife was not the type to venture out of their home for no specific reason, so he (the husband) was starting to suspect foul play. The husband took a few days off work just to follow the wife around and sure enough, after only three days he spotted his wife going into a motel room with her lover and on another occasion he saw them going into his own home and later watched the lover leaving his house after a couple of hours.
Here I reach the crucial point of the story without other details; the husband finally confronted his wife about the situation. Without any other explanation, she admitted that the extramarital affair was real and that the sexual encounters had been going on for 6 months before the husband discovered the betrayal. In the end, they reconciled their differences and became (my wife thinks) a loving marriage once again. But, this is the point; in their final confrontation, the husband said, (verbatim, as told by the wife to my wife) "if you had been having sex with 5 or 10 guys I would know that you did this 'shit' because you needed sex, but knowing that you did it with just one guy is very difficult to accept because I'll never know if you had fallen in love with this guy, and that hurts" This is a true story, "not a bull shit story" to prove a point, and a vivid account that reinforces the believe to the effect that Love and Sex are different animals.
Most women (swingers or not) agree that a one time casual sex is not as hurtful as a situation where the husband has casual sex and the wife then discovers that sex was accompanied by a bouquet of flowers or any other intimate gift. Sex outside the marriage is bad enough, but sex plus a personal demonstration of "Love" can have catastrophic and irreconcilable consequences.
Jealousy is then left to the individual, understanding what swinging is all about should make jealousy irrelevant. Our objective here is to provide an insight into the Swinging Lifestyle and what motivates people to practice "Swinging" as a way of life.
vi. TRUST. When TRUST ends, or is lacking, so ends a marriage in emotional devastation, lack of TRUST equals the end of a business relationship, the end of friendship, end of TRUST means disruption. MISTRUST is also the end of a swinging relationship with your spouse or mate. TRUST is crucial in any relationship. TRUST can make or break a marriage whether we are swingers or not.
You need to promote trust in each other and re-affirm without delay when that trust is threatened or in jeopardy. Do not act in a way that could lead the other party to doubt or to second guess your motives. Be truthful, and show your loyalty, love and dedication to the relationship as you should in any other relationship, especially marriage.
vii. IMPROVED COMMUNICATION. If you are swingers or thinking about it, it means that you already have great (not just good, but great) communication with each other. It also means that you can talk about anything with your spouse, openly, honestly and without reservations. It means that your conversations are free of any unsavory remarks, accusations, insults or second guessing of intentions and manipulations.
Your task now is to keep on improving your verbal communication. What you do when you are not swinging at parties is, "swinging" with your wife/husband/mate in the privacy of your own home, dress up as if you were out playing at a sex club and keep the "flame" going at least once a week. Maintain an open line of communication. This is not only good advise for swingers, but for all marriages and unions as well.
Explore sexual orientation, fantasies and fetishes. My personal believe is that, arguably, most human sexuality is based on fetishes, (turn-ons and/or sexual kicks) Merrian Webster Dictionary® defines "Fetish" as, "an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotion; an object or bodily part whose real or fantasized presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression"
An explanation becomes necessary. An object of fixation may interfere with a complete sexual expression due to the fact that, in some cases, such fixation concentrates attention on one specific area and precludes or eliminates attention to other areas of sexual stimulation. Let's tackle sexual orientation and sexual preferences first. Many people confuse "fetishes" with "sexual preferences" and/or "sexual preferences" with "racism". Nothing could be further from the truth.
A person who enjoys sexual intercourse with a person of the same race or with a person of another ethnic background is considered to have a "sexual preference", it has nothing to do with "racism". By the same token, Bisexuals enjoy sex with both men and women as a sexual orientation, and a "new term" Tri-sexuals enjoy sex with men, women and transsexuals (she-males), this is another instance of "sexual orientation". Gays and lesbians enjoy sex with members of their own gender, constitutes "sexual orientation" Heterosexuals enjoy sex with persons of the opposite gender, this is also "sexual orientation".
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Sexual orientation and preferences versus "Fetishes" (in summary)
Fetishes then constitute something else, different and specifically defined as "an object or bodily part whose real or fantasized presence is psychologically necessary for sexual arousal and gratification and that is an object of fixation" A man who finds "psychologically necessary" to sexually engage a woman with beautiful curvaceous legs would find it difficult to engage a sexual situation with a woman whose legs are not defined as such, this is however, a "fetish". It could be argued that this situation becomes a "fetish" only when the man in the above example has a "fixation" with women who possess beautiful curvaceous legs. For our purpose, we concentrate on a general explanation of fetishes without regard for any other considerations.
My point is based on the fact that people who like and enjoy a particular feature of the human anatomy will most likely try to establish a sexual relationship with a person with that specific physical attribute. Some men find an attractiveness for women with large breasts and also find this physical endowment highly erotic and sexually stimulating, a fetish. This brings me to another point, people normally have several fetishes, not just one "fixation" and one fetish.
Another example; other men/women may find obesity very attractive. My contention (shared by most in the lifestyle) is that people have limited sexual preferences and multiple "fetishes" (turn-ons) when it comes to their sexuality. The myriad of fetishes goes from the mild and subtle to the most extreme acts and objects, some outright illegal, like necrophilia (people who enjoy sex acts with deceased people) not recommended.
Some women consider men with a large penis of extraordinary dimensions sexually attractive and more gratifying. Their sexual arousal and enjoyment is directly related to penis size and girth, a fetish. Other women prefer having sex with men of different ethnic backgrounds, this is not discrimination, but a sexual preference.
I base my believe that most people apply their likes and dislikes (what I consider fetishes) to their sexual behavior and to their relationships for the purpose of sexual stimulation. It is difficult to apply generalizations to specific situations, however in general terms, physical attraction and emotional compatibility are paramount to a relationship while satisfying sexual cravings, fantasies and fetishes with no emotional involvement are the principal motivators for individuals who engage the activities of the swinging lifestyle; in so doing, lifestylers reap a multitude of sexual rewards, including a mutually satisfying and balanced expression of their sexuality without the hang-ups imposed by society, upbringing or self-imposed religious beliefs. Sexual exploration, discovery and implementation will likely lead (for most couples) to the relief of emotional distress and other psychological factors that are often related to an inhibited sexuality and, in some cases, suppressed sexual expression.
In the final analysis, you and your partner should discuss all of the above and provide your views on several levels. As a starting point in your discussions talk about your feelings and opinions on sexual orientation, sexual preferences, fetishes and fantasies. Expressing your fantasies provides a way from which you may start developing a path to the swinging lifestyle. Conversations and discussions are essential for a more profound understanding of your, and your mate's sexuality, sexual needs, desires, likes and dislikes. A discussion of a fantasized mental presence during times of sexual gratification could reveal one or more of your fetishes.
viii. MUTUAL RESPECT. This should be self-explanatory. We all know about respect, or do we? Respecting the relationship with our life partner is allowing him/her their own space. Instead of questioning their motives, try to understand their intentions.
Unless ulterior motives are present, (anyone could be deceiving in their intentions driven by obscure motives, but given enough time everything reveals itself out in the open, but we are talking about a truthful relationship here) mutual respect becomes evident and a simple explanation goes a long way towards understanding a sexual situation which sometimes could be misinterpreted. Questioning motives include saying to your spouse/mate... "you did this or that because you wanted to get back at me for whatever reason..." When you question motives, people become uncomfortable and anger follows; anger gives way to harsh words and at this point oftentimes the situation gets out of control. Harsh words linger and are detrimental to the relationship.
Instead ask..."What was your intention, were you trying a different approach or something new?" Bring about an open conversation leading to a better understanding of the situation. Swinging is all about sex and such libidinous driven sexual demonstrations towards others are acceptable during swinging parties, events and get togethers. In other words, swinging behavior whatever that may be within previously established limits (more on limits later) are acceptable during a swinging session and it ends immediately after the session is concluded.
Think of swinging as a night out in town; perhaps you go to a club, dance the night away, make jokes, have a good time, maybe get a little tipsy and then you go home to your everyday life, like going to work the next day and back to the things most people do day in and day out. You don't wear your swinging suit 24 hours a day and you don't have SWINGER tattooed on your forehead either, for everyone to see.
ix. EMOTIONAL RECIPROCITY. Emotional support is crucial to the swinging lifestyle. (just like any other marriage) Show support, caring, understanding; romanticism goes a long way towards keeping a good healthy relationship.
All marriages should do all of the above. Relationships in the swinging lifestyle are made stronger if you follow these recommendations as well.
x. Warning. Right at this point I must warn couples who feel ready to take the plunge into the lifestyle of actions that will hinder (disrupt) your learning cycle, development and growth, and that is, "never hold your partner hostage to the lifestyle by exercising manipulation in order to have your way, whether it be doing something that goes against preset limits (more on limits later), or delivering ultimatums which will damage a swinging lifestyle and quite possibly the relationship.
If a partner wants to do something that the other partner is not ready to accept it must be talked about no matter how long it takes. It should be discussed, a compromise, an agreement must be reached (even on a trial basis) By the same token, do not pressure your partner to do anything outside of the swinging lifestyle under a threat of stopping your swinging. A successful swinging lifestyle should be kept out of any other arguments and/or disagreements within the relationship. By this I mean, do not say something like, "if you don't do whatever, I'm not swinging anymore"
The swinging lifestyle, once incorporated into a relationship, becomes inherently a part of the relationship. A threat to eradicate swinging from the couples' life is like trying to discontinue conjugal intimacy from a marriage and could represent serious grounds for a breakup.
Last word of advise on this topic. I reiterate; excepting exceptional situations, (like catastrophic illness, newly developed problems of incompatibility, etc) once a couple starts swinging, it is very difficult to break the cycle, and when one partner decides to not continue the swinging lifestyle without consent of the other the relationship, marriage or union could invariably suffer irreparable damage including a possible termination.
When both partners agree to stop a swinging lifestyle, everything should be fine from that point. However, chances are that one swinging partner might not be ready to stop being a swinger. If this happens, a decision should be made to allow the unwilling-to-stop partner to possibly continue in the lifestyle on his/her own, but this situation could develop into actions of promiscuity, (read NEWBIES IN ACTION: sub-sections ii. Monogamy, iii. Infidelity, iv. Promiscuity) multiple partners, cheating, etc. outside of the lifestyle's framework of safeguards. The other alternative to the disagreement (like trying to force the other partner to stop) will place the immediate future of the relationship at risk. At the very least the relationship may or may not be the same again on several levels permeating other aspects of the relationship. Enough said.
xi. LEARNING CYCLE. Base upon what has been said up to this point and providing that you and your partner have acquired a full understanding of what "swinging" means and what the lifestyle is about, what you have done up to now is create a solid foundation to enter the swinging lifestyle. The foregoing should serve as preparation for a marriage/relationship transition into the Swinging Lifestyle. You should, by now, be ready to attend some swinging functions.
My advise at this point is that you go to a commercial sex club and observe several people in different situations. Make your transition a slow and smooth passage as you immerse yourself and your spouse/partner into the Swinging Lifestyle. Observe and learn. This is the time to engage in full discussions with your spouse/partner about likes, dislikes and possible exploration of certain situations based on your observations. This is the visualization aspect of the lifestyle. What you both had previously imagined or fantasized about is now in graphic detail before your eyes as you observe others in open and uninhibited sexually varied activities.
There is such thing as SOFT SWINGING which is not discussed at length here, however, suffice it to say that SOFT SWINGING entails engaging others for touching, caressing, kissing, masturbation and a whole lot more depending on your imagination, except intercourse or any other type of penetration, almost anything else goes.
In time, you'll be ready to take the next step. Swinging develops in phases or stages and every next step comes naturally with forceful desire and with inevitable crescendo. If the cycle breaks down, you then need to go back review, re-trace and re-assess your steps. Something went wrong along the way. Find and correct a possible misunderstanding.
II. BECOMING SWINGERS (First Stage of Swinging)
i. DEVELOPMENT. Your transition is now well under way and the desire for experimentation is very strong. You are ready to take the plunge into a Swingers situation, like swingers parties, get together parties and events with limited participation as allowed by the host/hostess at any function. (observe self-control)
Take it slow. Sexual emotions/lust can get out of control very easily and you need to adjust and digest your new experiences; adapt and adopt what works for you and discard situations that either make you and your spouse/mate feel uncomfortable and/or do-not-as-yet understand. You are still exploring, experimenting, learning and adjusting to a new way of life.
ii. UNDERSTANDING THE RULES. There are basic rules that most swingers groups abide by,
(Under no circumstances should you or your spouse/mate deviate from these simple rules at swingers functions)
MEN SHOULD NOT TOUCH A WOMAN UNLESS SHE HAS GIVEN YOU A CLEAR INDICATION THAT SHE WANTS YOU TO ENGAGE HER IN SOME MANNER OR FORM. WOMEN, INCLUDING NEWBIES ARE ALLOWED MORE LEVERAGE AT SWINGERS FUNCTIONS, MEN SHOULD EXERCISE MORE CAUTION.
We recommend that you bring condoms. When you go to a swingers function as a NEWBIE which mainly means that you are there to observe only, make sure you tell the host/hostess that you are a NEWBIE.
Avoid the embarrassment of trying to pass as an Experienced Swinger because others can become aware of your deception. As a NEWBIE, if you decide that you'd like to engage in some participation, ask the host/hostess if they'd allow you to participate to some extent. Avoid making comments or remarks toward others. Once, at a swingers party we attended a young man asked another male, "do you enjoy your wife being fucked by other men?" This young man was asked to leave the premises for asking a question that was totally out of place at a swingers event and that others in attendance may or may not care to answer. Swingers at any function are not there to teach anyone and may not be willing to do so.
However, this obvious answer to the above question in general terms is "yes". The ramifications can be expressed at several levels.
During the course of their research "Bergstrand & Williams" expressed the following,
Do you enjoy your wife/husband expressing her/his sexuality with other men/women? A more detailed answer shows the impact on specific areas of benefit,"any attempt to redefine "love" and strengthen the marital bond is worthy of our attention. If swingers have found a way to stabilize relationships, prolong family ties, and enrich the lives of couples we would be remiss if we did not take their lifestyle and their redefinition of monogamous love seriously."
Do you enjoy your wife/husband expressing her/his sexuality with other men/women in your presence? Yes and No, because it all depends on the couples agreement. (swingers may or may not sexually engage others in separate rooms while attending swingers' functions) Other couples swing together and yet, others fulfill their sexuality by watching their wives or husbands with another person.
Another major question that couples ask themselves is,
How can I be sure that my husband/wife will not get involved into a romantic or emotional relationship with another swinger?
This is not a difficult question to answer. Swinging is purely a sexual activity with no emotional involvement. However, the best advise that I could possibly provide is one given by a British Radio Host that recommends couples to stay away from the swinging lifestyle,
Paula Hall on Woman's Hour (English radio show)
On 6 February 2003 sex therapist and swinger Dee McDonald appeared on BBC Radio Woman's Hour to discuss swinging with Relate spokeswoman Paula Hall. Hall made eight points in her efforts to discourage listeners from considering swinging as a lifestyle option.
she said, "Swinging plays Russian roulette with your relationship"
Hall's first point was that swinging is 'risky' in terms of provoking jealousy,
"You're not quite sure what's going to trigger it and it's not until it happens that you have a problem and in that respect, that's why it's like Russian roulette. You don't know when that bullet will fly and damage your relationship. And for me and I think for an awful lot of couples you need to seriously challenge whether it's worth the risk"
Asked if she accepted swinging might strengthen trust in a relationship, she would only concede that it does because "taking and surviving risks is one way of proving trust"
The implication was that if you become swingers disaster could strike unforeseen at any moment. True, but then so it can for ordinary relationships and marriages, both of which have higher break up rates than swinging couples. Statistics demonstrate that the union of Swinging couples are stronger and able to survive longer than other marriages/relationships.
Anecdotally, a reporter wrote (July 2003) about his visit to swinging party.
"Far from the event germinating mistrust or hurt, my feelings for my girlfriend have never been better. I am hugely proud of the beautiful, sophisticated and adventurous woman who was by my side. I am cleansed of any jealousy and laugh at the thought of myself ever being compelled to be "unfaithful"…I have completely ceased letching at other girls in bars"
He also approvingly quotes another writer as saying,
"You don't stand there staring at a sandwich when you know you've got a gourmet meal at home."
Personal growth for both sexes, but especially women is another benefit claimed for swinging.
"The outside world does not offer anywhere near the same degree of security in non-sexual situations let alone those that are sexually charged. Swinging can be seen as an incredible source of sexual freedom for women who would otherwise not have a sexual outlet other than that available within the bounds of marriage or commitment. Swinging offers not only sexual freedom, but also offers the ability for self-discovery."
Findings in the book "The Second Stage of Swinging": (Experienced Swingers)
"A woman becomes selective because she no longer needs to prove she is desired or can satisfy other men. In order to make the experience meaningful, she arrives at a point where she feels that she must refuse the advances of many men. She learns to define her preferences more clearly (selectively) and to learn to act on these preferences. This is an experience that many women never have because they rely on their husbands to make decisions in social situations. In short a woman learns to individualize both herself and others"
This E-Book is worth reading "Related To Bigotry: The Repression of Swingers in Early 21st Century Britain" by Mark Roberts -click here-
iii. RESPECTING THE RULES. Simply stated, If don't abide to the rules of the groups, you'll be asked to leave immediately. Enough said.
iv. PROTECTION.
The Basics Put simply, the single most effective thing you can do to stay healthy when swinging is to use latex condoms for intercourse; this practice is now extremely common in the swinging community, and is often expected. All condoms are not made alike; people, especially men should experiment with different brands until they find the one they like best When you put on a condom, hold the tip between your index finger and thumb as you unroll it (all the way down!) to prevent an air bubble from forming in the reservoir tip.
For intercourse. you should then put some water-based lube (such as KY or Astroglide) on the outside of the condom for comfort, mutual pleasure, and to keep the condom from tearing during sex. It should be obvious that a new condom needs to be put-on for each new partner. If you're going to switch from anal intercourse to vaginal intercourse, you should also put on a new condom (doing otherwise can cause vaginal infections - similarly, you shouldn't put any fingers that used to be in the anus or in a vagina without first washing your hands with hot water and anti-bacterial soap) Some men find that more sensation is transmitted to them if they put a drop of water-based lube on the tip of their condom before putting it on.
Oral Sex. Many swingers dismiss any concerns because the risk of transmission via this route is apparently low, and because HIV is not widespread in the swingers community. Ultimately, it is up to each lifestyler to set personal standards for risk. You can make things safer for yourself by not having flossed your teeth immediately before sex (which can make the gums less able to keep pathogens out of the bloodstream), by not letting men come in your mouth, by not performing cunnilingus on a woman while she is menstruating.
Hands. If you've had your fingers in someone's vagina or ass, or had someone come on your hands, it's a good idea to wash your hands with hot water and anti-bacterial soap (use diluted peroxide after washing if you use regular soap) before touching your eyes or genitals (or anybody else's).
Safe Sex Kits
Carry your safe-sex supplies, your small bottle of water-based lube a little bottle with peroxide is excellent anti-bacterial for cleansing your mouth, pieces of paper to write your name and phone number on, and anything else you commonly need. Although safe-sex supplies are provided at some parties, it's still nice to know that you have with you the supplies and brands you prefer. Also, having what you need with you at all times will make it much easier for you to maintain whatever safe-sex standards you have chosen.
Vaccinations. You may be interested in knowing that a permanent vaccine is available for hepatitis B. If you're planning on spending a lot of time in the swinging community (or any other lifestyle potentially involving lots of sex with different people), it might be worth your time to get this vaccination.
III. EXPERIENCED SWINGERS (Second Stage of Swinging)
i. Sexual Enhancement. Becoming an experienced swinger has nothing to do with how many swingers events and functions you have attended, although it becomes advisable that you attend a diverse spectrum of swinging situations and events. It makes no difference if you have attended 20 or 200 events.
Experience depends on your mental disposition and how much knowledge you have acquired during the process. A healthy, responsible attitude and a good relationship with your partner make the whole difference as opposed to just a desire for sexually engaging other men or women.
At this point, you have reached an understanding of the swinging lifestyle, self-control, proper behavior, both partners know exactly what to expect from each other, their likes and dislikes, their limits »»» how far they can go, both partners enjoy EQUAL FREEDOM TO DO AS THEY PLEASE within their own previously established understanding (limits). For example, if the couple has agreed on SAFE SEX only; the man or woman in the relationship should not go and do barebacking (unprotected sex) on her/his own. Doing something against a prior agreement represents a major betrayal that will invariably place undue stress on the relationship.
Unreasonably restricting a partner's ability for enjoyment is not what the lifestyle is about. Reasonable and agreeable restrictions should be the norm. EQUAL enjoyment is the goal and a degree of mutual satisfaction should be equally shared by the couple.
ii. Respecting Limits. Respecting the limits of other swingers is understandable and paramount in any swinging situation. Respecting limits set by a couple in a relationship is another thing altogether.
We are more easily prone to violate and push the limits of our partner beyond acceptable borders. Why.....? because we feel that our infraction will be forgiven just as easily. But, not so; swinging takes a life of its own and violations of preset arrangements and previously agreed upon limits are likely to provoke a mixed bag of emotions the likes of which are rarely experienced in a relationship; they include anger, betrayal, deeply felt scorn, feelings of treachery, disloyalty and worse, such violation demonstrates unfair play and unfair advantage; nothing short of abuse and worse "breach of trust" The situation could disrupt your lifestyle for a long time. Respecting all limits, our own, and that of others is crucial for a successful swinging relationship and community acceptance.
iii. Mutual Satisfaction. Both partners should be mindful of what constitutes mutual satisfaction within the relationship and must put forth the utmost possible effort to ensure each other's sexual satisfaction.
A couple in tune with each other knows what buttons to push in order to make her/his partner sexually excited and completely satisfied with each experience. It's a two way street. If the man or woman is perfectly content with visual excitement as in the case of voyeurs (observers), as an example, then the other partner should provide that type of visual stimulation and exhilaration during the performance of his/her favorite sexual enjoyment. Couples should be attentive to each other's enjoyment or one partner will feel left out of a situation which should be fundamentally mutual. This may or may not involve physical presence of one partner while the other performs sexual acts. It involves either a physical presence of a passive partner and/or a detailed description by the partner performing the act after the fact.
The following scenarios are normally played during and after a swingers' event,
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Common practices,
Happens with less frequency,
NOTE: Swingers differentiate between "encounters" and "affairs". Due to the stereotyping of "extramarital affairs" which normally denotes "deceit, cheating, betrayal" and normally involve an emotional attachment with one other person, swingers prefer the term "encounters" which denotes "multiple partners", (not just one other person) and sexual activity without any emotional attachments. Trust plays an important role and limits are usually observed.
All of the above normally include a private conversation, discussion, verbal communication of their experience and physical exchange by the couple at their home or any other private location after the swinging event or function is finalized.
The above scenarios should immediately dispel any notions that the swinging lifestyle is male created and/or a male controlled situation. The misguided assertions primarily driven by a lack of knowledge in the subject matter, such as "It is not in a woman’s nature to desire that lifestyle. Some women go along with it to keep a man, or because of emotional problems, but it is contrary to their nature". And other similar statements are a total non-sense.
Wife Swapping in the above "OVERVIEW" A brief historical account, (how the phrase "wife swapping" came about -click here-) was created, allowed and in which non-monogamy between the pilots' wives and other pilots became acceptable, came about to benefit women, for their well being, to alleviate feelings of loneliness and uncertainty. Unlike Swinging, "Wife Swapping" was an activity in "extramarital affairs" without the rules that normally frame and define the swinging lifestyle.
There are many other areas of sexual expression where swingers perform and enjoy according to their desires, such as threesomes, foursomes, group sex, orgies, gangbangs, bisexual encounters, role playing, marital toys, outings, dogging (some level of performance in public places) like parks, nude beaches, trails, open road, rest stops, parking lots, etc. and other manifestations within the lifestyle, like flashing, voyeurism, exhibitionism, adult theatres, adult video stores, bars/lounges, swingers' cruises, nude resorts, sex clubs, dance clubs, strip clubs, multiple fetishes, B & D (bondage and discipline) S & M (sadism and masochism), leather sub-culture, to name just a few.
IV. SEASONED SWINGERS (Third Stage of Swinging)
i. Pushing The Envelope. Congratulations! you have traveled a long journey to get to this point. You are now at the threshold to a whole new world of possibilities that are available to you. Acquired understanding, knowledge and experience are the combination that made it possible and you are now ready to unlock a universe of experiences that heretofore you never knew existed or even dreamed possible. Your fantasies are about to come true in real terms. You have created a solid foundation that will support unsuspected accomplishments.
Invariably, the swinging lifestyle takes you through a well traveled path where exploration and new experiences keep coming your way with an ever increasing force of lust and desire, once inside the lifestyle, it can not be avoided because every new trial leads to a more potent act of intense sexuality. You will find yourself, almost unconsciously, pushing the envelope for new adventures in a never ending quest that will last a lifetime. It becomes second nature and intrinsically, a part of you.
ii. Fulfillment. Your rewards; a solid relationship, mastering every aspect of your sexuality, experiencing your most intimate desires, a deep knowledge of yourself and your relationship; your partner's supports your ability to release inner passions, no matter how wild or extreme, and in a friendly setting where your sexual display and outward excitement are always well received, accepted/understood, and knowing your temporary limits.
You should know that most limits are temporary because you will always get to a point where your limits no longer fulfill your newly found capacity for more. You'll experience increased sensuality, sexuality, increased provocative behavior, lusty desire and calculated lewdness. Your new task is to direct, adjust and adapt your newly developed sexual enhancements according to your wishes and desires while exercising caution, safety and self-control.
Be mindful of the fact that your needs to extend fulfillment beyond preset limits may or may not be shared by your partner at a particular point in time. Remember, each spouse/partner may or may not advance or be willing to go beyond limits at the same rate. But, the need to expand the horizons of one partner will present itself (hopefully, both partners might share these needs at around the same time) Where there is a discrepancy/disagreement between partners as to how far you should go or the need to explore new experiences, the word "compromise" is paramount, go at it in slow fashion, each partner should understand from the beginning that "limits" are temporary and that a strong desire for pushing limits is a fundamental part of the lifestyle.
Both partners must recognize that there are powerful forces at play and a common ground must be found in order to maintain a couple's balance within the lifestyle and to continue further development. What may not be acceptable for one spouse/partner today, could very well become acceptable somewhere down the road. Timing is all it takes for the lifestyle to evolve and develop until the couple is in sync with a particular situation; spouses/partners grow into the lifestyle at different rates/levels. When a spouse/partner considers a situation rather important, that situation should be brought up at different times in order to find a common ground. I reiterate, do not allow a situation to go unspoken indefinitely because it will create undesirable circumstances at some point. Listen to your spouse's/partner's requests and be willing at least to try new experiences on a trial/temporary basis. Sometimes, a slight change or twist to the original suggestion could lead to a compromise.
You might say that Swinging is a valid and viable medium where married or unmarried couples, aside from the obvious physiological and psychological needs, are able to satisfy and fulfill burning desires as well as other critical aspects of sexuality which may include such defining words and phrases as, pressing urgency, critical cravings, burning needs, fiery wishes, flaming yearnings, inner force, vital enjoyment, essential gratification, crucial fulfillment, compulsory satisfaction, indulgence, pleasure, delight. All deeply ingrained traits of human nature.
V. SINGLE WOMEN AND SINGLE MEN.
Single men and women (not committed to a relationship) are not considered "Swingers" simply because their lives lack the bonds, ties and commitment of a full fledged relationship. Swingers, like any other marriage or union abide by a complicated set of rules made even more complicated by the self imposed rules of the swinging lifestyle; singles' common denominator is "promiscuity". -Promiscuity- is NOT in any way, shape, manner or form a term of degradation, belittling, humiliation, insult, or demeaning one's personal sexuality.
"Promiscuity" refers to a person's desire to engage in a highly active sexual behavior and connecting with multiple partners for this purpose. It emerges from physiological and psychological needs, denotes a strong approach to physical intimacy and promotes a healthy attitude towards sex.
The incidence of STD (sexually transmitted diseases) and HIV(AIDS) is extremely low among swingers as opposed to practicing "promiscuity" with other segments of the population at large, especially, practically non-existent within the framework of swingers' groups that observe methods for safe sex.
At this point you need to refer to Section I sub-section iv. PROMISCUITY (read this topic now, unless you have already read it) Single women and single men are frequently found as active participants at swingers functions, parties and events. Single females are freely invited to participate at most Sex Clubs and all kinds of swingers' events. Nowadays, except Sex Clubs that do not allow single men, most swingers' groups and events do allow a limited number of single males. There are certain restrictions, for example,
Single Females. Most single females are welcome to participate at most events and some theme events like Bisexual parties would only allow bisexual females, or BBW (Big Beautiful Women) single females are allowed at BBW parties, etc. In general, single females do not have any problems to participate at swingers' events.
Single Males. Sex clubs do not allow single males, no exceptions. Other swingers groups, parties and events do allow single males on a limited basis. However, single males without a female companion find it difficult to join swingers' events. Most interracial and gangbang parties request Black, White, Hispanics or other ethnic single males and do not allow others. The reason for this is that most women and couples at interracial and gangbang events request Hung Black males or just Hung males.
Sometimes gangbang parties request hung males of any race. I won't get here into personal believes that members of one ethnic group are better endowed than others. I really have no idea if this is true or not (i.e.) a greater percentage of one ethnic group is better physically endowed, but reality is that many women of all ethnic groups do believe that this is true, my wife included.
Normally, bisexual parties and events do allow men of all ethnic groups, especially when the events are for women who enjoy watching male to male action or strap-on women events.
SINGLES. It really doesn't make much difference if singles (female or male) that participate at swingers' events consider themselves swingers or not, or if they only participate out of a desire to engage others in a sexual activity. But, singles are always requested to observe the rules of the swinging community and they should know what type of behavior is accepted or not. Singles are also requested to know what is expected of all participants. Singles should read this entire writing in order to know about swingers and the swingers' community.
Single men's and women's major benefit in their involvement with swingers is that they engage people (swingers) who know how to take care of their health and normally practice safe sex, plus the added benefit of a no-strings-attached situation.
MEN SHOULD NOT TOUCH A WOMAN UNLESS SHE HAS GIVEN YOU A CLEAR INDICATION THAT SHE WANTS YOU TO ENGAGE HER IN SOME MANNER OR FORM. WOMEN, INCLUDING NEWBIES ARE ALLOWED MORE LEVERAGE AT SWINGERS FUNCTIONS, MEN SHOULD EXERCISE MORE CAUTION.
Any single (male or female) who wants to know if they are truly "wannabe" swingers or not, should ask themselves the following questions,
The answer to these questions should provide an indication to you whether you are a true "wannabe" swinger or not. But, it doesn't really end here,
Oftentimes, engaging a swinging lifestyle becomes a transition for many couples. While its true that consummate swingers (males or females) look for other swingers to tie the knot in marriage, couples that start out in marriage in a sexually monogamous relationship will become swingers after a few years of married life and for many different reasons. The key to a successful swinging lifestyle remains based on trust, good communication and an excellent relationship.
Recommended reading for women and men,
Artful Strategies and Skillful Flirtations for Insatiable Females: Women's Guide
Slutty Women Information Network (very extensive, read as desired)~Men, read Men's and Women's Sexuality Topics~
Slutty Women Information Network: Wicked Seductions (very extensive, read as desired)~Men, read Men's and Women's Sexuality Topics~
List of Fetishes ~recommended for Women and Men~
Create Your Own Swinging Fun~recommended for Women and Men~
PAGANISM & PAGAN WORSHIPPERS
Paganism has developed alongside mankind for thousands of years; as cultures have changed so has Paganism, yet it is grounded in deep rooted genetic memories that go back to neolithic times and before. Thus Paganism is not just nature, but a natural state totally void of inhibitions. Paganism takes a number of forms including Wicca, Druidism, and Shamanism. To Pagans the four ancient elements, Earth, Air, Fire and Water have special significance. The importance of these are associated with the four directions, North, East, South and West. Each element is a kind of spiritual substance from which all things are made especially ourselves and at the same time are Guardians both of ourselves and of the Goddess and the Godlike male, and guarding the gateways between this world and the other world.  Alchemy is held during September on 200+ acres of beautiful rolling hills at Cherokee Farms in LaFayette, Georgia. LaFayette is in the north-western portion of the state, about 1.5 hours from Atlanta and 30 minutes from Chattanooga, TN. You can find more information about the event location and directions ~click here~  Duckstock "The Party" is just that a "Party". It will be four days of nothing but fun in the sun! We will have Food, Vendors, Water Games, Adult Play, A Dungeon Area and Social Interaction.  Click here for info on the festivals, Moondance and FallFling, and other festivals  Atlanta Pagan Pride, Harvest Festival/Food Drive  Pagan mysteries  Pagan cycle |
SWINGING PARTIES, SEX CLUBS, ETC.? Ask your question here.~CLICK HERE~